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HPRC Fitness Arena: Family & Relationships

Do you believe in love?

Ever wonder whether you can sustain romantic love in your relationship over the long term? Research suggests you can.

Relationships are important to total fitness—especially intimate relationships. Think back to the beginning of your relationship—was it filled with lots of passion and intensity? Does it still have those aspects?

There’s been a lot written about the different types of romantic love, and how they change over time. One theory describes two main types of love: passionate and companionate. Passionate love involves an intense feeling of longing for one another. Companionate love happens when you feel affection, tenderness, intimacy, and commitment to your partner. Couples with companionate love often also feel a deep mutual friendship, an ease of companionship and a sharing of common interests. Companionate love does not have to include being attracted to each other or sexual desire.

It’s generally thought that couples begin in passionate love and later morph into companionate love. However, research suggests that romantic love that has intensity, interest, and passion can grow and flourish in relationships over the long run. As with diet and physical fitness, moderation is key. Focus (but don’t fixate) on your partner and foster affection, intimacy (both physical and emotional), and a deep bond. It is possible to be with your partner for a long time—and still experience passion and emotional intimacy with him or her! So set the bar high and strive for it. It is not a myth!

Don’t let good times turn deadly

Alcohol poisoning is serious. Learn the warning signs.

Drinking a lot of alcohol in a short amount of time—“binge drinking”—can lead to alcohol poisoning. It’s very serious and can even be deadly. Binge drinking involves more than four drinks for women and more than five for men over a relatively short period. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) reports that an average of six people die from alcohol poisoning every day, with the majority being men between 35 and 64 years of age. Life-threatening signs of alcohol poisoning include seizures, not being able to wake up, fewer than eight breaths per minute, 10 seconds or more between breaths, and low body temperature. If you’re with someone who shows any of these signs, seek help immediately. That Guy, an alcohol education campaign from the Department of Defense, recommends that if you’re ever worried about someone’s alcohol intake, never let them “sleep it off.” To learn more, visit this web page from CDC on “Alcohol Poisoning Deaths.” Not sure how much is too much? Read HPRC’s article, Had enough to drink?”

Does “helicopter parenting” work?

Parents sometimes hover (often called “helicopter” parenting) when their child heads to college, but is this helpful? Learn tips for providing your young adults the best kind of support.

As your children head to college, it’s hard to know how much to let go and still support them as they tackle new challenges. It’s a major milestone for both kids and parents, and the milestone is especially relevant for Department of Defense parents (80% of whose children go to college, compared to 66% of graduating high school students in the U.S. with non-DoD parents).

During this transition, “helicopter parents” (so-called because they hover) frequently text or call, continue to make decisions for their children, and directly intervene when problems arise between their kids and other people. It makes sense to let go and give your children “space” as they transition into adulthood. After all, how else is your emerging adult supposed to learn self-reliance and financial independence? But protective parenting instincts can overcome what might otherwise make sense.

Helicopter parenting can essentially be an overdose of previously good instincts. To your kids, it can feel as though you’re trying to control how they act or feel. Even though you have good intentions, your behavior may feel intrusive to them, and it might not be obvious that “solving” your kids’ interpersonal, school, or work crises actually causes problems. In fact, helicopter parenting usually leads kids to feel less engaged with college, more anxious and depressed, and less pro-active.

Here are some tips for less-direct ways to help that also keep you grounded instead of “flying away” as a helicopter parent:

  • Resist the urge to make decisions for your kid. Instead, ask open-ended questions to get him or her thinking.
  • Ask your kid to set his/her own boundaries for how much he or she wants you to intrude (such as how often to text or call), and accept them!
  • Encourage your kid to have direct conversations with other important people such as professors.
  • Give tips on how to do things such as grocery shopping (rather than just doing it yourself).
  • Avoid tracking grades; encourage your kid to set his or her own goals and sub-goals.

If you are a helicopter parent, you don’t have to change radically overnight. But make sure you talk to your kids about the changes you’re planning, and then gradually make them happen. Give your kids more power and autonomy, such that you become a trusted advisor rather than a dictator. The milestone of college isn’t a time for parents to withdraw completely, but it is a time to trust that some of what you taught your children actually sunk in.

Need to update your parenting style?

Your parenting style has an important impact on your teen’s behaviors. And it turns out that many parents change their style along the way. Learn more about different styles and changes.

You can think of parenting styles as having two key elements: control and compassion. At one end of the spectrum, you can demand a lot of your child to get him or her on the right track. At the other end, you can let him or her do whatever he or she pleases. Similarly, you can show interest, respect, and caring warmth toward your child, or at the other end of the continuum, show disinterest.

There are four parenting styles that combine these elements:

  1. Drill Sergeants: These parents are very pushy and not very warm.
  2. Warm Leaders: These parents are fairly demanding but also warm.
  3. Teddy Bears: These parents are not demanding and are very warm.
  4. Ghosts: These parents are uninvolved—neither demanding nor warm.

Why does it matter what parenting style you use? Your style not only affects how your kids are bonded with you, but your parenting style is also linked to your child’s outcome. For example, Warm Leader parents are more likely to have well-adjusted kids who have fewer behavior problems and are less likely to get in trouble.  

Parenting styles commonly change over the course of a child’s life; a change can happen because of divorce, life events, or any number of other reasons. So what happens when parents change their parenting approach?

When Drill Sergeants become Warm Leaders, parent-child bonds can improve. When Teddy Bears and Ghosts become Warm Leaders, the bond typically improves and so does behavior. But when Teddy Bears become Drill Sergeants or Ghosts, kids tend to engage in delinquent behavior. In other words, either clamping down hard or dropping out of a kid’s life after being warm but undemanding won’t help your kids become happy and well adjusted.

If you are a Warm Leader parent already, you may need to give your teen more space as he or she matures (which is developmentally appropriate), but overall, keep at it! If you’re not, consider moving towards becoming a “Warm Leader.” To do so, focus on being rational, warm, and consistent in your interactions with your teen. 

What really matters to you?

Filed under: Motivation, Values
Have you considered what really matters to you? When you face adversity, remembering your core values can help lead the way to better “performances” in training, life, and even combat.

What do you value? It’s an important question to ask yourself—often.

When you figure out what matters most to you, it can help guide what you do, even when you’re at your lowest. Values help you make big things happen—and little things along the way too.

In identifying what you value, consider aspects of your life now or how you’d like it to be in terms of family, independence, adventure, stability, compassion, financial security, integrity, health, outdoors, and so on. Sometimes a key word or group of words says it all. Sometimes the essence is best expressed in a statement such as, “I am a healthy family man.”

Warfighters know the importance of values. Values are embedded in military life and center on excellence. The Warrior Ethos, for instance, helps Airmen reach and maintain an optimal state of readiness and survive the rigors of operational demands and life in the military.

When you know what you value, and you act in line with that, you experience a sense of clarity. When there’s a disconnect between what really matters to you and your behavior, however, you can either ignore it (through distractions such as drinking, drugs, video games, and reckless behaviors) or you can give yourself a gut-check and take action.

Try asking yourself these questions:

  • What do I value most?
  • Do I view each day as a chance to better myself and learn from my successes and failures?
  • Do I pursue excellence (not perfection) but act with compassion towards myself and others?
  • Do I maintain balance and perspective between work and the rest of my life?
  • Do I respect other people in my day-to-day life?
  • Are my actions in line with my values?

There is no one right set of values, and there is no one right set of answers to these questions. Whether you call it a “New Year’s resolution,” or use a different name, launch 2015 by giving yourself honest answers to these questions and staying on target with what really matters to you.

Take a moment to connect with kids

Take a moment to connect with the children in your life this year. It can have amazing benefits.

The smallest acts of kindness and caring can have powerful results for kids of all ages. With everyone so busy juggling multiple responsibilities—especially military families—it can sometimes feel as if there’s never enough time to have meaningful connections with children. But kids still need those moments. A meaningful connection can be a hug, a smile, a loving word, a compliment, or just giving them your undivided attention for a few minutes to listen to a story they are telling, to sing a song, or dance together. Feeling loved in these small moments stays with a child his or her entire life. This New Year, set an intention to make a meaningful connection with any child(ren) in your life regularly. And remember: Adults also benefit from heartfelt connections. Hug your loved ones today.

Holiday stress? Keep it simple

Don’t let stress ruin your holidays. Here’s how to manage it differently this year.

The holidays are often a flurry of festivities, a time when we interact with more people than usual while at the same time feeling more stressed than usual. When you feel stress, often one of the first outward signs is how you communicate with others. Watch for an edgy tone to your voice and notice if you stop using a lot of eye contact with people who are talking to you. You may even start forgetting what someone just said. These are common signs of stress. This holiday season, go back to the basics: When someone is talking to you, use eye contact; when someone asks you to do something, repeat it back (it’ll help you remember); and think about your tone of voice and body posture (think open and non-defensive). But if you do slip up from time to time, own up to it, ask for forgiveness, have a good laugh, and focus on moving forward and looking at the bright side. 

What’s in the way of your optimal performance?

Learning mental skills can help you meet greater demands, which sets you up to feel more prepared. It can even set the stage for optimal mindset and peak performance!

That mental state dubbed “the zone” by the media is what scientists call “flow.” It happens when you perform at your best easily because you’re performing automatically, without overthinking, focusing only on what’s happening right now.

To help yourself perform better more consistently and possibly even experience flow, consider these typical blocks and how to overcome them:

  • Personal demands: It’s hard to focus on the task at hand when there’s personal stuff on your brain. Do what you can in advance, and shift to the present moment with self-talk such as “focus.”
  • Mission complexity and ambiguity: If it feels as if there are too many “moving parts” in a task, try to gain clarity up front. Ask questions and use mental imagery to see in your mind’s eye what needs to be done.
  • Interpersonal conflict: Everyone replays arguments mentally. Resolve them at the front end or put them on hold during a mission. Routines can help you bring your attention to the here and now.
  • Paralysis by analysis: Thinking too hard is another way that people sometimes get stuck. Trust your training and let your best performances unfold.
  • Limited control or resources: Deciding what is in your control and what isn’t can help you focus on what’s most important in the present moment.
  • Isolation: We all need other people. Be active in seeking support.
  • Intense workload: If anxiety about what’s in front of you is getting in the way, try embracing excitement about whatever you’re facing.
  • Boredom or underutilization: When you know you need more challenge, ask for it.

Big demands require big resources. Overcome mental blocks to performance by continuing to develop your mental resources. 

Enjoying the ordinary this holiday season

“Count your blessings” isn’t just a saying—it’s a good way to reduce stress and take your mind off the negatives in life. Take a look around for the things in your everyday life that you can be thankful for and take a moment to appreciate them.

Many of us have the habit of focusing on the negatives in life and expecting the worst outcome. This tendency can be compounded by military training that teaches you how to assess risks and plan for the worst outcome. If you tend to focus on the negatives in life, you’re shortchanging yourself. Try to appreciate the little things in your day that you may take for granted. Focus on appreciation and gratitude. Try breaking your habit of focusing on the negative for just one day; instead spend it acknowledging and appreciating the ordinary good things in your life.

  • When you wake up in the morning, stop and take a moment to say good morning to your day.
  • If you are in a relationship, take a few minutes to really look at and appreciate your significant other.
  • If you are deployed with your unit, pause to think about how your buddies support and help one another to get through a rough day.
  • Before you eat lunch, reflect for a moment and think about something that keeps you going everyday—maybe it’s as simple as the first cup of coffee in the morning, an easy commute, or your buddy’s positive attitude. Take a moment to be grateful for that.
  • At dinner, spend a moment thinking about your loved ones. Have you told them lately something you appreciate about them?
  • Finally, before you go to sleep, acknowledge something about yourself you’re proud of.

Start again tomorrow, reflecting back to today—did acknowledging the magic of the “everyday” help you have a better day?

For more information on mental strategies, visit HPRC’s Mind Tactics domain.

Build a better team

Group “cohesiveness” can contribute to Warfighter success. Learn how groups can establish and foster it.

There are so many parts to being successful in theater that it can be tough to pinpoint what contributes to success. But research has established one part—cohesiveness—that does help Warfighter performance. In fact, cohesiveness—a group’s ability to remain united while pursuing its goals and objectives—is an important piece of the puzzle for any successful group, whether we’re talking about sports teams, squads, platoons, or other kinds.

Cohesiveness can be social (among people who like each other) or task-focused (among people who work well together) or both. In groups such as athletic teams, connecting with a task focus is far more important for performance than connecting socially. Connecting through a task focus is clearly important for Warfighters too, but the stakes are higher: Warfighters often put their lives—not the outcome of a game—in each other’s hands. And cohesiveness has other benefits, such as helping with job satisfaction and overall well-being.

In order to build and maintain team/unit cohesion, experts suggest the following:

  • Use influence effectively—for collective gain, not individual gain.
  • Communicate clearly—give clear expectations for roles, performance, and deadlines, and offer praise.
  • Minimize conflict between unit members.
  • Build trust within the unit and with leadership by showing interest and concern for one another.
  • Establish a positive command climate that supports teamwork yet allows for each member’s independence.
  • Have a shared sense of responsibility for the overall welfare of everyone in the unit and the team as a whole.
  • Value connections within the team as well as between units and organizations.
  • Focus on the strengths of the group, not just its problems and challenges.
  • Build resilience at the individual and group level.

Warfighters and leaders can shape norms—both formally through policy and informally through practice—so that units/groups stick together on multiple levels. For more information on building relationships visit HPRC’s Family & Relationships domain, and for more information about Total Force Fitness check out HPRC’s Total Force Fitness domain.

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