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Speak nicely to your kids

Using harsh words to discipline your kids might hurt more than you think. Learn how to keep their behavior in check. Remember, you’re all they’ve got.

Yelling, swearing, and/or calling your children names can take a toll on their behavior and mental health. Make a point to keep your anger in check and remember that how you talk to your kids matters.

Harsh verbal discipline includes shouting, screaming, swearing, and/or name-calling. By some estimates, nearly half of parents speak severely to their kids. They sometimes do so out of desperation, especially when they’re frustrated and/or angry—or they simply feel that nothing else is working.

So what’s the end result? Parents could get what they “want,” but it might only be for the short-term. Even worse, kids’ mental health and self-esteem could suffer. Children who are exposed to shouting and swearing tend to develop poor behavior. Kids and teens on the receiving end of yelling, cursing, and name-calling tend to be more physically aggressive too. And they could struggle socially.  

Discipline is about teaching kids to manage their behavior and letting them know you’re worried when they make a bad choice. It's also about keeping them safe. Discipline isn’t about winning battles or calling your children humiliating names.

If you follow these five steps for managing your anger, you’ll be well on your way to developing a more effective and positive approach to disciplining your kids. Try becoming more mindful of your emotions rather than letting them drive your behavior.

Make your children’s emotional health a priority. Parenting for Service Members and Veterans suggests a positive approach to discipline begins with a strong relationship between you and your kids. Constantly on the go? Download the Parenting2Go app for helpful tips when you’re on the road.  

Help stop bullying

Learn how to stop aggression in teens.

Roughly one in five teens is bullied at some point. It often involves hitting, pushing, or teasing, but gossip (both verbal and text) and being excluded are also forms of bullying.

The reasons for teen aggression are complex, but some school and home factors raise the chance of a teen being aggressive: rejection by peers, situations where aggression is socially acceptable, marital conflict and violence at home, feeling rejected by a parent, physical punishment by a parent, and/or parents who let their teens get away with any kind of behavior.

Since teens are still learning how to manage their emotions, aggressive behavior is a clue that they need more skills in this arena. Aggressive teens also are more likely to have problems at school that can follow them to adulthood, so it’s important to find solutions early. And of course, the victims of bullying suffer too.

Parents, schools, and communities can help stop aggressive behavior. Parents can reduce their teens’ exposure to aggression at home by controlling their own anger and outside the home by knowing where their teens are, who they’re with, and setting clear expectations for how to act when parents aren’t around. Teachers can learn to recognize aggression, communicate that it is unacceptable, and seek help/intervene. Schools can monitor areas where aggression is most likely to occur, such as playgrounds, restrooms, and hallways.

Stopbullying.gov (a website developed by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services) offers lots of ideas for how to respond to bullying: Respond quickly and immediately to bullying behavior, find out what happened, and support the kids involved (both the bullies and those being bullied). In essence, don’t be a bystander. To learn more, visit this interactive page. The bottom line is that bullying is not acceptable, but it won’t stop unless you do something about it.

Unchecked anger – take a few tips from HPRC

Anger’s a normal emotion, but unchecked anger can wreak havoc. Here are some tips for how to manage your anger effectively.

Anger can be helpful in combat situations, and it can help individuals engage in quick, decisive action. It also can help keep emotions such as guilt and sadness at bay so you can accomplish things you need to do. Anger has its place. In relationships, anger is bound to make its way into interactions sometimes. When regulated, it can help you solve problems or motivate you to talk about important things, including hurt feelings. When unregulated, however, it can damage your relationship and increase your unhappiness with your loved one. Increased levels of anger can even increase your risk for physical health problems, especially coronary heart disease. It isn’t possible to avoid anger completley, but you can learn how to manage it well. Read more in HPRC’s “Performance Strategies: Five Steps to Managing Anger.”

Anger control plan

 It’s okay to get mad, but it’s not okay to get out of control. Try some of these resources to keep your anger in check and your relationships good.

Everyone experiences anger—it’s normal. It’s also normal that the people you love will make you angry at some point. The trick is figuring out how to manage your anger—an essential skill for yourself and your relationships. Not dealing with anger just makes the situation worse. Afterdeployment.org has handouts on different aspects of Anger and Anger Management to get you started, including Anger Cues and Measuring Anger, Myths About Anger, how to manage anger with Time-Outs, and how to create an Anger Control Plan.

For even more information on how to strengthen your relationships and manage your own emotions, check out additional resources in HPRC’s Family & Relationships and Mind Tactics domains.

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