Filed under: Relationships
Over the last 7 weeks, HPRC has run a series on tips for keeping the happy in the holidays this season for you and your family. We highlighted many strategies like being a gratitude hunter, how to be more optimistic, and how to accept things you can’t control. We also highlighted tips for your relationships, such as setting appropriate expectations, identifying possible friction points ahead of time, and celebrating your family and friends. Look back over the last 7 weeks to read more.
In wrapping up, our last tip is to remember that you know yourself best. Try a combination of the tips we highlighted each week to see which ones work for you, the ones that fit your strengths and where you are right now in life. Ups and downs are common during the holiday season, but if you keep your perspective, stay realistic, make time for fitness, and foster new memories with your loved ones, this just might be your best new year yet!
Happy New Year! HPRC wishes you and your loved ones a happy and healthy 2014.
The New Year is a perfect time to reflect on where you are in your life and where you want to be in the coming months. When you set your resolutions, think about setting one around your primary relationships. Is there something that you could focus on this year that would make your relationships stronger? For example, what about taking a romantic getaway with just your partner at least once this year? Or how about staying in closer contact with your parents or best friend? Also, think about incorporating other areas of Total Force Fitness in your resolutions, such as physical fitness, nutrition, mental resilience, and your environment.
Last time we highlighted being aware of possible depression in those around you. This week, as we continue our series on keeping happy in the holidays, try practicing acceptance of the things you can’t control or avoid.
Problems can arise when you try to avoid thoughts or feelings rather than noticing them as they come and go. Instead of avoiding them, try to note your thoughts or feelings, accept them, and keep moving forward rather than dwelling on them. If you need or want to think about something further, pick a good time and place to think it through later. But if it’s outside your control, practicing acceptance can help separate the things you can control from those you can’t—and help you find some peace this holiday season.
Being able to be close and sexual are key aspects of intimate relationships. Warfighters struggling with PTSD, TBI, or other combat injuries may be surprised to find that injuries can impact their ability to have sex, derive pleasure from sex, or be intimate by connecting emotionally with their partner. Or conversely there might be too much emphasis on sex (engaging in or talking about it inappropriately).
To learn more, check out these two fact sheets from the Uniformed Services University: “Reintegration and Intimacy: The Impact of PTSD and Other Invisible Injuries“ and “Physical Injury and Intimacy: Managing Relationship Challenges and Changes.” Both include suggestions for how to improve intimacy.
Do you ever feel that you and your partner talk about the same issues over and over again? You’re not alone: Only 30% or so of the problems couples struggle with can actually be solved, leading to discussions that keep coming up about the other 70%. Solving the issues that can be solved is great, but learning how to interact in a positive manner about the “perpetual problems” is a good skill in any relationship.
One way to do this is to go through a structured problem-solving strategy such as this:
- Specifically state the issue.
- Briefly state why the issue is important.
- Brainstorm and discuss possible solutions to the issue.
- Have everyone involved agree on a realistic “solution”—even if it’s just a game plan for how each person is going to respond about the topic.
- Pick a specific amount of time to try the solution.
- Then give the solution a try.
Remember, the “solution” doesn’t have to mean a resolution to the problem; it can just be about new ways to approach the issue. For example, if you fight over one of you being late frequently, discuss ahead of time how you each would like the other person to respond. Maybe the latecomer needs to call or text if running late, or the punctual person calls ahead to find out if the other will be on time. And maybe you need to set a window of time rather than something exact.
When you find yourself in an argument with a loved one, it’s important to be able to move on afterwards without being burdened by negative feelings. But sometimes the negativity can hang on after the argument itself is over, and can make interacting with the other person difficult. It’s important to work out those negative feelings so that they don’t fester and wreak more havoc in your relationships.
Here’s how: When you find yourself in the middle of an argument, take a time-out before you become too worked up. It’s easier to shake off negativity at this stage. Stay levelheaded enough to stop the argument, walk away, focus on something else, and make yourself focus on positive thoughts about yourself, something else, or your loved one. While you are doing this, also engage in some stress-management techniques such as deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation; you can learn about them in the Mind-Body Skills section of HPRC’s website. By refocusing your thoughts and letting go of stress in your body, you’re more likely to feel calmer, slow your heart rate, and be less reactive to the other person. Once you’re calmer, you’ll probably find it easier to interact more positively with the other person and do or say things that can enhance your relationship.
For more ideas on strengthening your relationships, check out HPRC’s Relationship Enhancement section or this article on “Basic Training for Couples Communication.” And for more information on handling stress, check out HPRC’s Stress Management section.
At the Warrior Resilience Conference V in August 2013, representatives of the Comprehensive Soldier & Family Fitness (CSF2) program discussed one of the resilience-promoting skills that they teach for strengthening relationships: Active Constructive Responding.
Active Constructive Responding shows “authentic interest” where sharing creates a deeper experience for both individuals. For example, when someone shares a positive event with you, the best response is to show interest or excitement about what he or she is telling you, followed by a positive conversation about it. By doing this you can be a “Joy Multiplier.” By comparison, it’s important not to do any of these:
- Kill the joy by focusing on possible negatives about the event (being a “Joy Thief”).
- Bring up something that happened to you, turning the attention away from the other person, or completely ignore what you were told (being a “Conversation Hijacker”).
- Respond to the other person as if distracted and/or with limited interest (being a “Conversation Killer”).
There may be times in your life when you feel isolated or all alone. Connecting with people can help you find meaning in life, feel better, improve your mood, and beat boredom. Afterdeployment.org has a tip sheet—“Beating Isolation”—with ideas for how to overcome loneliness that include making plans to hang out with someone, reaching out to people you know, and getting involved in your community.
In relationships, “capitalization” refers to the process of sharing good news with one another. It’s easy to sympathize with buddies when times are tough, but studies have shown that responding to good news with support and enthusiasm helps build stronger relationships between individuals. So remember to receive good news from coworkers, friends, and family with enthusiasm. It can not only strengthen your relationships but also create a positive environment.
For more information on building strong relationships, check out the Family & Relationships domain.
We all know that falling in love with your significant other is a key feature of a romantic relationship—but did you know liking goes hand in hand with loving? The results of numerous studies found that those who both love and like their significant other are more likely to be happier and have more stable long-term relationships. Without both, couples are more likely to be dissatisfied or dissolve the relationship. Couples who both like and love each other are also more likely to assure each other of their feelings, be open with each other, and share tasks together—all behaviors that maintain happy relationships. Liking as well as loving your partner is the most fundamental characteristic of a good relationship.
For more information on how to enhance your relationship, check out HPRC’s Family and Relationships domain.