Filed under: Relationships
When reuniting with your family, the “Soldier and Family Guide to Redeploying” offers tips for maintaining successful family relationships. A few of their suggestions:
- Take time to re-establish communication with each of your loved ones.
- Use romantic communication to help transition into love relations easier.
- Reinforce the good things your family has done.
- Move slowly in making adjustments.
- Discuss division of the family chores.
- Spend time alone with your spouse.
- Focus on successes and limit criticisms.
- Expect some changes in your child(ren).
- Spend relaxed time with your child.
If you are in an intimate relationship, take a moment to think about how your relationship is going. Relationships can often benefit from relationship enrichment programs. Each service offers relationship enrichment programs (some termed "marriage," some termed "relationships," and some termed "personal growth"). For more information, visit the Real Warriors program or the National Military Family Association websites.
- The Air Force offers “Marriage Care” as a weekend retreat post deployment.
- The Army offers single soldiers, couples, and families, relationship skill building weekend retreats called “Strong Bonds."
- The Navy, Marine Corps and Coast Guard offers Personal Growth retreats, Warrior Transition retreats, Marriage Enrichment retreats and Family Enrichment retreats under the Chaplain’s Religious Enrichment Development Operation (CREDO) Spiritual Fitness Division.
- National Guard and Reserve couples are eligible for the above programs as well as programs within the assignment state.
Research shows that particular styles of fighting often lead to divorce. If one partner withdraws, the other may perceive that as lack of interest in the relationship and the likelihood of divorce is high. In successful marriages, both partners are willing to work out problems by talking to each other. Successful couples empathize with each other and handle conflict constructively.
Known as the Michelangelo phenomenon, partners can help sculpt each other’s best possible self and achieve goals. Through affirmation and support, couples can help each other achieve their goals. Listen to your partner and dream together while encouraging each other. Reach for the stars together!
If you have children from a previous relationship and are building a new one, consider discussing these issues to reduce conflict:
- Decide together where you should live and how you will manage your money.
- Close the door on your last relationship; resolve feelings and issues from your past relationship.
- Determine step parenting roles and responsibilities.
- Establish rules and boundaries for the blended family.
The American Psychological Association suggests that you make each other a priority by having regular dates and taking trips without the children.
In all relationships, conflict management is often a key ingredient for success. However, the old belief that the best relationships are those without conflict is being replaced with the new understanding that conflict is normal in intimate relationships. The happiest couples, come to find out, are those who manage conflict without being destructive to each other.
Interestingly, research of couples problems over time shows that 31 percent of the problems couples deal with are solvable, and 69 percent are perpetual problems - so being able to manage differences over time is key to marital happiness!
Dr. John Gottman, having studied couples for over 20 years, found that there are key ingredients for relationship happiness:
- Having a strong friendship with your spouse.
- Being able to manage conflict in the relationship (and knowing which problems are solvable).
- Avoiding destructive behavior like criticism, contempt, defensiveness or ignoring your spouse.
- Building dreams and shared meaning with each other.
For military couples in particular, the ability to problem-solve and manage conflict is key to relationship happiness. Fortunately, problem-solving and conflict management are essential ingredients for Warfighter success. Through pre-deployment training, deployment, and reset, Warfighters within each branch learn key strategies for how to manage their emotions, identify problems, develop friendships, share memories together and map strategies for optimal outcomes - all of which are skills that can help foster great family relationships.
However, while deployed, each partner can change in ways that their spouse might not be aware of (both in theater and at home). That’s why making the effort to get to know each other again (even if you've been together for 50 years) is an important part of relationship happiness over time.
Take some time to ask your partner questions like:
- What attracted you to me when we first met?
- Who are your best friends at this point?
- What would you like to see happen for us in the next five years?
- What about yourself are you most proud of?
Questions like these can help foster friendship and positive feelings between you, and keep building dreams for a happy relationship and future together.
Source: These strategies were discussed at the recent American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists conference in September. Specific ideas from Dr. John Gottman's keynote speech, as well as Dr. Robert O'Brien's workshop on "Research-based Conflict Management After Combat Trauma," were used.
The American Psychological Association offers strategies to make blended families work:
- Have your own identity separate from your spouse and children.
- Maintain some autonomy in relationships while building togetherness through intimacy and identity.
- Maintain time for a rich sexual relationship that is safe from work and family intrusions.
- Be flexible in dealing with issues - life is unpredictable.
- Use humor to keep perspective.
- Remember how you felt falling in love and keep those images and feelings alive.
See the American Psychological Association site for more information.
You are more likely to seek health information online when your friends are also doing so. A recent study found that individuals with multiple friends who sign up for an online health forum were more likely to sign up for it themselves. Similarly, you’re also more likely to practice healthy behaviors when your friends do the same. To enhance your health, choose your friends wisely!
Hanging out with friends may include habits that oppose your health goals. Instead of skipping out on quality time with them, invite them to participate in an activity like a group cycling class that will get everyone moving. A healthy social life contributes to good health, so get the group moving!
According to MedicineNet.com, good friends and family do more than make life worth living. These relationships may help you live longer! A recent analysis of scientific literature suggests that lack of social relationships is a risk factor for death. In other words, people with lots of close friends and family around will likely live a lot longer than lonely people. These findings show that the effect of social relationships on the risk of death are similar to those of smoking and alcohol consumption and have a profound effect on the quality of our life.