As you plan for your Service Member to deploy, it makes sense to focus the attention on them. But as the home-front partner, you need to get ready too—mentally and emotionally. As a military partner, the way you cope before deployment isn’t just significant to your own well-being. Your ability to cope can impact the quality of your relationship and the mental health of your Service Member after deployment too. Your ability to cope can also affect how your child responds to the deployment.
So what can you do to prepare yourself for your partner’s deployment to keep yourself, your romantic relationship, and your children healthy? Follow these HPRC’s tips:
Communicate about what’s ahead. It’s normal to want to avoid talking about a challenge you’re expecting. There are even some topics military couples must avoid talking about due to safety and security reasons. But while putting those topics you can—but don’t want to—talk about out of your mind might feel like it helps in the moment, it can make the time after “goodbye” much more difficult. For example, you might experience headaches, parenting stress, or relational dissatisfaction by not having these conversations. And unresolved conflict can make it difficult for your Service Member to concentrate while away.
Try to address and cope with the upcoming deployment proactively. Take some time to share your feelings and concerns about deployment with your partner. Encourage them to do the same. It might feel easier to avoid talking about certain topics, such as mental health or money, but you’ll both be better if you acknowledge what’s coming.
Be aware of “battle mind.” Sometimes, to be successful in high-stress and high-danger situations, Service Members have to engage in “battle mind”—the mode of temporarily separating from or suppressing their emotions. While this might be helpful (perhaps even crucial) during combat, it’s not so great in relationships. It’s fairly common for partners to notice their Service Member act more distant as deployment approaches. This might leave you feeling lonely, powerless, or disconnected. You might even have your own version of battle mind. It’s normal to distance yourself emotionally from your partner as a mode of self-protection when you know a long separation is coming. But that distance can hurt your relationship in the long run.
Instead of letting your battle mind take over, talk to each other about your needs, fears, and feelings. Make it a priority to spend one-on-one time together to connect emotionally. Build intimacy. Have fun together!
Reach out for support. Taking care of yourself often means asking for help. Make a list of the people you can reach out to when you need a little extra boost. Your list might include a friend to talk to or a babysitter you hire so you can engage in self-care. Consider looking into local support groups and counseling options, or reach out to a chaplain before your spouse leaves. Receiving social support can help you through your partner’s deployment and enhance all areas of your Total Force Fitness.
Plan the logistics. You and your partner will have many “to-dos” before deployment. But preparing all the logistics can make a big difference in how well you both cope with the separation. Consider going over a deployment checklist together. At the very least, make a communication plan, get your financial and legal documents in order, and find out what resources will be available to you once your Service Member has deployed. You might also want to think through what your new daily routine will be, including how to deal with things your partner usually handles. You might need a few tries to figure out what works, but with some planning, you should find a balance eventually.
Create a family plan. Creating a family plan can help you feel prepared for the transition to parenting alone and even help increase your confidence in your abilities to parent alone. Try to talk with your spouse in advance about how things will go with the kids when you’re at home alone, and brainstorm ideas on how you can best manage things. Think about what’s worked well in the past, and consider the following questions to adjust your approach to parenting when it’s just you, rather than the both of you:
- Do you need help with childcare? Identify which family members and friends might be available, and make a plan to talk with them. If possible, provide your dates and times up front, so your helpers can plan on their end too. Consider contacting your local DoD Child Development Center or visit Militarychildcare.com for programs that can subsidize the cost of childcare, if needed.
- Are there ways to simplify your schedule when your Service Member is deployed? Perhaps there are a few activities you can skip or delay when deployment rolls around. It’s important to keep routines consistent, but if you feel overwhelmed flying solo, it’s okay to cut back on your obligations. It’s important to stay as dependable and organized as possible.
- How will you handle emergencies if, for example, you or your child gets sick? Make a list of local contacts you can count on in a pinch, such as neighbors, babysitters, friends, or other family members. It can also be helpful to make a list of contacts for household emergencies, such as your preferred plumber, electrician, auto repair shop, etc.
- How can you maintain consistent discipline during your spouse’s absence? If your Service Member typically takes on this role, talk about how you can become comfortable with this shift in responsibility. Outline what you both think are fair consequences and rewards for your children.
- How will you care for yourself while your partner is away? Think about this together, and work some “me time” into your schedule. Plan outings with friends or pencil in trips to the gym when your kids are at their own activities.
Before the deployment, schedule a brief family meeting to discuss the plan. Let your children know what will happen at home when your Service Member is away. Explain what will change at times, including any adjustments to your family’s schedule or childcare. Give your kids time to ask questions, consider any feedback they have to offer, and be open to adjusting to the plan depending on how your child responds to the deployment.
Bottom line
Partners who approach their Service Member’s upcoming deployment with denial and avoidance are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and stress when deployment ends. Spouses at home are more likely to experience loneliness and distress during the deployment too. But when you approach deployment with acceptance, take time to plan ahead, and actively seek emotional support, both of you, as well as your kids, are more likely to have better mental and physical health through the whole experience.